Maybe I'm the toxic one

The word “toxic” gets thrown around fairly liberally these days. That job? Toxic. That guy? Toxic. That friend? Toxic. And the solution? Cut it out.

It’s a word I’ve definitely used in the past, but one I’m becoming increasingly sceptical of. The problem with “toxic”, I think, is that it basically places all responsibility for the negative way you’re feeling onto someone or something else. In short, it demonizes them.

Unless you’re literally friends with Regina George or dating Joe from ‘You’, the chances are, someone else genuinely enjoys that “toxic” person’s company, or thrives in that specific work environment. We’ve all been in situations before where a friend of ours hangs out with someone we personally are no longer friends with, and we can actually feel betrayed, like they’ve defected to the enemy’s side.

However it probably wasn’t long ago that you were all over the person in question; hanging out, taking selfies, and making plans. This radical change of heart can lead us to ask why we tolerated them for so long, but the truth of the matter may actually be that you changed, rather than them, and you’re simply no longer compatible.

Alternatively, perhaps distance has provided you with a better perspective over their true self. Congratulations, you’re now seeing in 20:20, but you can’t expect everyone around you to suddenly view things the same way you do.

I also see the word “toxic” as acting kind of like a drug – it numbs the pain, but it doesn’t solve the issue. Perhaps that person brings up things that make you feel insecure. Yes, that sucks, but the insecurities existed before they made them known to you. The toxic person has become a trigger to you, and just like someone with a mental illness has to learn to cope with those, we each have to learn to cope with and ignore the comments of that toxic person, rather than entirely blaming them for our response.

For me, cutting someone out can't then be never seeing them again. It’s seeing them, letting them say those hurtful words, and not caring - because they no longer matter.

It’s also important to note that, no matter who you are, you’re going to be toxic to someone. Perhaps it’s your success, or your eating habits, or your overall outlook on life. These may be things you don’t consciously think about, but to someone else, they can be jarring and heavy.

Even if you’re the happiest, nicest, kindest person in the world, perhaps your optimistic aura has the opposite effect on someone who can’t even get out of bed in the morning, making them feel worse about themselves because of how different their mindset is to yours.

I’m not saying you should change necessarily, but I just think it’s important that we all recognize our own toxicity. We need to be able to respect how we may come across to others, while also not allowing one person to embody all that is wrong with our lives.

I fully stand by having a Facebook friend cleanse, dumping someone because they’re no good for you, and removing yourself from situations because they make you uncomfortable. But I also think that, in the process, we need to do some self-reflection on what exactly is going wrong between you and them, and perhaps even use it as an opportunity for growth.

(After all, there’s nothing better than a ‘look at me now’ gloat, is there? Come on, this blog couldn’t be entirely positive 😉)

So let’s leave “Toxic” to Britney, and just get on with living our best lives.